♡ well.. :c i jst cnt stop thinkin abt it.. in a way i've gotten bttr, bt it's not for any good reason..
life feels rly easy whn m told whn i'm gnna die, expectin death soon.. nd ummh, gosh? it's all i rly tlk abt on here any more isn't it..? death death death.. so freakin morbid .. <|3 ..m not evn tht suicidal.. it's jst th comfort of tht certainty.. i've spent my whole life chasin nothin more than protection nd certainty in.. rly bad extremes.. nd now i hav it, so everythin feels rly easy ♡
Read more »i am abit drunk so im sry if this doesnt make mch sense.. tho again i am not rly sure whos interested in my diary othr thn me.. who am i apologizin too? i dunno.. it's just a habit.. i feel so guilty :c mayb i like to write online cos sme part of me is so lonely evn tho i rly hat bein close w ppl i dunno i dnt rly wnna think but i always think uuug...
i forgot wht i ws thinkin abt in th kitchen.. bt i did wnna write it down.. i jst um.. i wish i didnt hav th capacity to hate n i wish i wsnt affected by things.. i see mslf as sch a receptacle for negativity n i wnt everyone to hurt me so why do i see whn im bein manipulated smch.. my patter nrecognition has always been good n i hate it, i wnt to b manipulated, cluelessly.. m too scared to let it happen whn im aware evn tho i rly wnt to my survival instincts kick in too bad n i jst run uuu uu uu uu uu uu uu u uuuu i hate life
dear diary i am stupid.. :c i am so afraid of change i feel sad at m past self.. i've thrown up too mch recently n i only hav smch pills left..
dear diary pls come to life n giv me a rly bad head injury so i go to th hospital where th nurses take care of me n it smells good like antiseptic n im too hurt to think..
dear diary i am rly freakin stupid n useless n every time i hav any kind of thought at all i feel like beverly marsh whn she got onto herself abt hopin her dad died except i cld nvr be her she is so cool n does lots of cool stuff like speak up for gerself smetimes and i am th worlds biggest loser
oh gosh ummh diary.. hi.. ♡ i jst dunno wht to do.. i hav this awful feelin of.. despondence? desolation? ummm dunno.. it's melancholic n crushin but i'm too hopeless to pay tht weight any mind, if tht makes sense at all..
i hav a sort of disdain for th internet.. i do try, yanno.. to tell mslf i dnt care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve to care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve recognition.. i am not special.. i dnt knw why i wish to b treated like i am.. i feel like a filthy greedy ingrate girl .. bt smetimes i do care.. which makes less sense ? i nvr had th intention of popularity rly w postin anythin.. it's almost a sense of possession..? to mny things.. this is hrd for me to explain since my thoughts branch alot.. um
i wnt to b recognized bcos if i am knwn, thn all i am cn b traced bck to me by others.. n in a way tht makes me somethin at all.. which is th problem, i care abt bein smethin at all. i try vry hrd to absolve mslf of an ego whtsoever.. not an ego as in egotism bt ego in th sense of an identity n opinions n all.. ignorance is my only true bliss probably.. hhhhwwh..
Read more »i dunno diary :c mayb this is abit personal for th digital version of you bt ive filled up all m physical ones.. im typin this on my phone cos m simply jst.. too exhausted n tired to get on m computer right now evn.. Sry if this doesnt make sense ithnk id actually prefer if it didnt n if no one saw so mnot rly gnna clean it up either.. evn m laptop which is right at m feet i dnt wnna move.. all th light on m face might jst make me cry.. ive been cryin all night n i still feel it comin up.. i feel disgustin to m core :c
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below tha cut ♡
writin n trigger warnings below tha cut ♡ unfinished..
Read more »i feel im gnna die.. i rly, truly feel i'm gnna die :c in a year or two, whn im eighteen or nineteen or evn twenty, if im lucky.. this isn't my suicide not or anything ummh gosh no.. i jst knw i probably will b killed.. mayb tht isn't so bad....
hihi.. gosh ummh jst thinkin abnch.. n i rly shld not b <|3 i hav to b up super early tmrw…. also i am writin this on my phone ! which is new.. iv only evr rly blogged on my pc bfore n i feel like since tha screen is smaller here m gnna try to rush it.. oh well,, ummh tori quit yappin.. real topic time,, ♡
i noticed i get super nervous whn im not makin things or expressin myself to smeone in sme way which is weird ..! cos i dnt rly like to b arnd ppl.. or too blunt abt my feelins.. iv mentioned it bfore bt everythin i post is truly rly symbolic to me in sme way.. it does hurt abit tht sme ppl jst see it for pure aesthetics w no substance bt i also like tht.. ♡ it feels like a safety net,, a cloak ?
iv always had issues w an inability to jst say stuff.. n i jst always feel a need to put smthin out there or evn jst redecorate my room or somethin abit so it feels fresh so i feel connected to tha wrld in sme way evn if i hate to interact w it :c ithnk its cos of tha notion tht tha internet or photos n all tht is forevr. im rly afraid of death cos im afraid of bein useless.. a corpse does nothin bt rot.. so i think if so mch of me cld live on after i pass id still b useful to tha girls n ppl who find comfort in wht i put out already.. jst tht one thing is enough for me ♡
n i find it rly truly sweet whn ppl identify w my vents n sch for tht same reason umhhum.. it feels less like i am jst a sad girl mopin arnd n more like i am helpful.. i do sorta kinda do nothin n rot like a corpse while im alive too bt im able to create n advise n b a good reactive punchin bag for ppl whn they’re mad.. ithnk i will forevr b way bttr at those three things thn any job or skill :c aah why do i always turn it depressive <|3 noo.. mhhh.. um .
well i also am jst rly fascinated w how tha internet is basically a digital graveyard,, yknw ? pages live on after ppls death n act as rly rly insightful memorials.. i love goin on tha internet archive n lookin at old sites n evn specifically memorial sites too,, smch poety written for tha dead its lovely to read rly.. bt tha normal ones too.. theres a chance tha owner died n im in a way carryin on their memory jst by readin n everyone else who does will too ♡ its so sweet.. also.. where my love for thrift stores came frm..!
large lots of donations aftr ppl pass,, everythin had a home n a story beforehnd.. it cld bcome part of mine n whn i pass n thn part of another ♡ which is also so so so so sweet to me.. i love to think of how evryone is connected.. lain reference.. hehe ♡ pls dnt boo me off tha stage wait no im sry m s
readin ovr this [3:07am] my tone feels off to me n i dunno why.. mayb i am abit dissociated i hate to use tht word alot cos its sortof a buzzwrd but its been smthin ive always done rly easy ummh whn im stressed i always strt to view myself in tha third person or barely undrstnd my surroundins.. n i ws gettin chewed out earlier so it makes sense.. hummh ummh now im sad again wah <|3
i rly hope im remembered whn i die . ithnk thts sort of a selfish wnt too, ppl die all tha time,, im no one special or important at all n to wish tht i ws notable enough to b remembered makes me feel like i hav scha stupidly big ego,, :c bt i do fantasize ill admit tht.. of smthin rly terrible happenin to me or i go missin n my face is on tha news or smthin n thn ppl find all my stuff n i get in like a ytb documentary or smthin pfft,,,, i do think i am interestin. kindof.. in a bad way.. i feel like i am interestin to psychoanalyze bt not rly to tlk to or to b arnd so mayb n probably it is also jst my need to b useful again bt this time to psych students or to tha media.. who knws <|3 i feel guilty sayin good things abt myself..
eek hi anons in gen make me abit nervous in general n i can take things to heart but i d get wht you mean by this i didn't rly take it as mean,, ♡ i do like to explain myself tho um i dunno i sort of jst like to tlk to tlk n i ws sorta tlkin abt this stuff on my priv abit too yesterday so funny timin.. c:
hmmh.. well.. im takin a go at this again,, tha good part is i finallie got a keyboard w an s key tht works so i dnt have to ctrl + c ctrl + v it all tha time anymore.. i srsly did it smch <|3 i developed a reflex.. im on a lotta meds right now too.. venlafaxine, xanax, n seroquel (quetiapine fumarate.. not true seroquel..)
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tht makes sense.. altho it does make me sad to know some ppl think i am fake in tht way online cos it is the internet n ppl only see wht i put out, yknow ? if tht makes sense.. no one is close to me n no one is in my head.. i do share a lotta my thoughts (which r very genuine,,) but definitely not all of them.. i try my best to b true to myself since due to a lot of my mental issues my identity can feel void for long periods of time where i jst stop feelin like a person entirely.. it's quite an awful feelin.. luckily it is not all the time n.n
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now,,, mre than evr ithnk ive seen ppl usin pictures of me or pictures ive taken for their aesthetics or profile pictures n whtnot.. i dnt rlie hav strong opinions abt it.. ithnk its sweet bt also it makes me paranoid </3
i nvr expected to b popular in any way n i didnt i wnna b either.. i only rlie post my stuff becos i like to keep things as archives n im scared of loss.. n i like whn other ppl find comfort in wht i do ♡ bt honestly i rlie dnt like all this attention on me.. it does mre harm than good i think.. n i rlie dnt like to b taken inspiration off of or forgotten as a person n only remembered for tha cute visual-surface things i put out..
mayb ithnk abt it too deeply or too far into tha future.. bt its jst interestin to see knowin tht i nvr intended on gettin here.. ithnk ill include sme tht i see super often down below this.. its quite a short entry bt i dnt rlie hav tht much to say becos my feelins r so dichotomous tht i cnt rlie find tha right words.. ehe.. ♡
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originally written in my journal ♡
dear ♡♡♡♡♡♡,
today i understand it all now, 10 minutes ago i was the world's biggest hypocrite.. i used to lie to myself just as much as the girls i so hate :c because i thought like them, and caused just as much harm.. i'm so, so sorry about the things i said 2 years ago.. i don't agree with it at all anymore and i understand her (you) so much now..
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