sick girl's hospital

 ♡ well.. :c i jst cnt stop thinkin abt it.. in a way i've gotten bttr, bt it's not for any good reason..

life feels rly easy whn m told whn i'm gnna die, expectin death soon.. nd ummh, gosh? it's all i rly tlk abt on here any more isn't it..? death death death.. so freakin morbid .. <|3 ..m not evn tht suicidal.. it's jst th comfort of tht certainty.. i've spent my whole life chasin nothin more than protection nd certainty in.. rly bad extremes.. nd now i hav it, so everythin feels rly easy ♡

i used to worry worry worry, so mch abt death.. i didn't wnna die at all.. evn whn i'd get rly upset, i ws nvr rly suicidal.. i always wnted to live bcos i had more to suffer for nd more to experience.. i ws always so afraid i'd die :c ..way too cautious, too curious.. i wld base everythin off my future plans nd wariness.. now i knw my future is short-lived nd it's a wonderful comfort.. cos i'd always dream of surrender too, yknow? ♡  m gnna die whether i like it or not, threat nd promise.. i knw when.. now i dnt hav to worry so mch abt wht all i'll mess up nd whn i'll die ♡ it's certainty nd it's great.. i rly jst have to explain it i feel so mch abt it hshwhshshh..

i dunno abt anyone else, but to a girl always so concerned with.. everythin.. i jst wnt to submit my life to sme higher power.. i worry, way too mch.. it's in my heart nd blood.. (literally.. i had tests done at th local psych clinic nd apparently i hav neurological predispositions to panicky nd worried genes..) it'd always been my dream to submit to smethin competent.. since i cnt evr make up my dum mind.. if i trust you, if you knw wht you're doin, i dnt rly gotta think, right? bt it's so hrd for me to trust.. soo hard for me to not think.. i always doubt everythin no mttr wht.. i always take it to worst-case.. 

so mayb it's bttr i dnt trust at all, you jst knock sme sense into me nd we're both satisfied.. i'll follow you 'blind' nd b your supply ♡ nd i'll get to remind mslf i cnt trust anythin at all while still feelin lead nd bein so forced nd demanded tht i cnt evn care abt my doubts.. th display of power itself makes me feel smthin warm tht i cnt evn begin to explain, so i'll let mslf hav this one littl thing ♡ evn tho it's rly bad.. it's a fittin fate for me, if tht isn't too depressin.. ♡ ; your ability nd will to destroy me is th only thing tht will evr make me believe you're fit to keep me safe nd tell me wht to do.. sad :c sorta.. i dnt rly find it tht awful bt i've been told real othrwise..

ummh.. yeah ♡ m sorta jst reflection on how mch i've valued certainty.. nd evn to a deadly extent.. i've always hated change, too.. cos i always worry if i change things.. tht i'll feel vry sad abt th loss of anythin i'd had bfore.. or tht i'll regret it.. bt whn my hand is forced, nd i end up likin things way more ? ♡ rly good feelin.. suicide wld b a 'change' to me in tht sense too.. i dnt wnt it cos i might regret it, m too caught up on tht, futures.. if my hand is forced, nothin i cn rly do.. certainty.. power.. bravery.. aah.. m sorry.. m sorry for bein so strange....