hihi.. gosh ummh jst thinkin abnch.. n i rly shld not b <|3 i hav to b up super early tmrw…. also i am writin this on my phone ! which is new.. iv only evr rly blogged on my pc bfore n i feel like since tha screen is smaller here m gnna try to rush it.. oh well,, ummh tori quit yappin.. real topic time,, ♡ 

i noticed i get super nervous whn im not makin things or expressin myself to smeone in sme way which is weird ..! cos i dnt rly like to b arnd ppl.. or too blunt abt my feelins.. iv mentioned it bfore bt everythin i post is truly rly symbolic to me in sme way.. it does hurt abit tht sme ppl jst see it for pure aesthetics w no substance bt i also like tht.. ♡ it feels like a safety net,, a cloak ? 

iv always had issues w an inability to jst say stuff.. n i jst always feel a need to put smthin out there or evn jst redecorate my room or somethin abit so it feels fresh so i feel connected to tha wrld in sme way evn if i hate to interact w it :c ithnk its cos of tha notion tht tha internet or photos n all tht is forevr. im rly afraid of death cos im afraid of bein useless.. a corpse does nothin bt rot.. so i think if so mch of me cld live on after i pass id still b useful to tha girls n ppl who find comfort in wht i put out already.. jst tht one thing is enough for me ♡

 n i find it rly truly sweet whn ppl identify w my vents n sch for tht same reason umhhum.. it feels less like i am jst a sad girl mopin arnd n more like i am helpful.. i do sorta kinda do nothin n rot like a corpse while im alive too bt im able to create n advise n b a good reactive punchin bag for ppl whn they’re mad.. ithnk i will forevr b way bttr at those three things thn any job or skill :c aah why do i always turn it depressive <|3 noo.. mhhh.. um . 

well i also am jst rly fascinated w how tha internet is basically a digital graveyard,, yknw ? pages live on after ppls death n act as rly rly insightful memorials.. i love goin on tha internet archive n lookin at old sites n evn specifically memorial sites too,, smch poety written for tha dead its lovely to read rly.. bt tha normal ones too.. theres a chance tha owner died n im in a way carryin on their memory jst by readin n everyone else who does will too ♡ its so sweet.. also.. where my love for thrift stores came frm..! 

large lots of donations aftr ppl pass,, everythin had a home n a story beforehnd.. it cld bcome part of mine n whn i pass n thn part of another ♡ which is also so so so so sweet to me.. i love to think of how evryone is connected.. lain reference.. hehe ♡ pls dnt boo me off tha stage wait no im sry m s

readin ovr this [3:07am] my tone feels off to me n i dunno why.. mayb i am abit dissociated i hate to use tht word alot cos its sortof a buzzwrd but its been smthin ive always done rly easy ummh whn im stressed i always strt to view myself in tha third person or barely undrstnd my surroundins.. n i ws gettin chewed out earlier so it makes sense.. hummh ummh now im sad again wah <|3

i rly hope im remembered whn i die . ithnk thts sort of a selfish wnt too, ppl die all tha time,, im no one special or important at all n to wish tht i ws notable enough to b remembered makes me feel like i hav scha stupidly big ego,, :c bt i do fantasize ill admit tht.. of smthin rly terrible happenin to me or i go missin n my face is on tha news or smthin n thn ppl find all my stuff n i get in like a ytb documentary or smthin pfft,,,, i do think i am interestin. kindof.. in a bad way.. i feel like i am interestin to psychoanalyze bt not rly to tlk to or to b arnd so mayb n probably it is also jst my need to b useful again bt this time to psych students or to tha media.. who knws <|3 i feel guilty sayin good things abt myself..