sick girl's hospital

 oh gosh ummh diary.. hi.. ♡ i jst dunno wht to do.. i hav this awful feelin of.. despondence? desolation? ummm dunno.. it's melancholic n crushin but i'm too hopeless to pay tht weight any mind, if tht makes sense at all..

i hav a sort of disdain for th internet.. i do try, yanno.. to tell mslf i dnt care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve to care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve recognition.. i am not special.. i dnt knw why i wish to b treated like i am.. i feel like a filthy greedy ingrate girl .. bt smetimes i do care.. which makes less sense ? i nvr had th intention of popularity rly w postin anythin.. it's almost a sense of possession..? to mny things.. this is hrd for me to explain since my thoughts branch alot.. um

i wnt to b recognized bcos if i am knwn, thn all i am cn b traced bck to me by others.. n in a way tht makes me somethin at all.. which is th problem, i care abt bein smethin at all. i try vry hrd to absolve mslf of an ego whtsoever.. not an ego as in egotism bt ego in th sense of an identity n opinions n all.. ignorance is my only true bliss probably.. hhhhwwh..

n i am so, so afraid of bein without knowledge.. tht's how i've coped all my life.. to learn n predict so as to please.. b nosy so no one cn harm me without at least me knwin.. it's kindof funny, i'll let it happen, jst let me b aware.. brace mslf a littl.. i'll evn unbrace if you tell me to.. jst let me *knw* .. i dnt get it either.. i confuse mslf alot.... n if i had no ego, i wldnt confuse mslf cos i wldn't think abt mslf ! 

bt i have been so lonely so long, i've bcom vry self-centered.. i wldn't say selfish ? i usually care way more abt th feelins of others thn my own n i make decisions in th interests of others rathr thn mslf or at least i try to, bt i think abt mslf vry often.. i dunno.. i am th center of m thoughts.. tho im not th center of m actions or morality.. smthin like tht.. take it with a grain of salt i hav no idea wht im sayin <|3 i dnt make sense often :c sorries

i get sortof depressed bein online tho which is rly wht i meant to tlk abt in the first place.. i hate it here, i rly do :c it's hate n controversey pushed onto everyone evrywhere.. n everyone is mean n ignorant on purpose w stuff like "not readin all tht" ohhmgosh i rly am scared for ppl.. i dnt get why everyone is so unkind to everyone ovr stuff as silly as interests or fashion or games or music whn we r all jst ppl rly.. n i think social media gives ppl this weird sense of entitlement too ummh.. where they feel like they r bttr thn others cos they hav a bigger follower count thn other whn rly tht means nothin at all.. n theres jst negativitity everywhere.. 

i wnt evn act like im not affected either umhs.. of course i feel a bit sad whn my stuff doesn't do well n i feel a sense of rejection.. do ppl on here jst not like me..? *sniff.. sob* .. n all.. bt it's um.. it jst doesn't matter tht mch.. i feel silly for feelin sad over tht.. n of course th big old elephant in th room.. tori, why don't you jst log off? rly good question.. um cos i hav no irl friends n i am afraid to make them.. n evn tho i am a vry introverted reclusive girl i do rly like to tlk.. n i get depressed if i cnt express my thoughts n feelins n artistic stuff smewhere.... bt ppl make me so anxious n maintainin friendships stresses me out n i struggle w feelin platonic connection.. which is why i like social media cos i am tlkin to evryone bt rly it's no one cos it's everyone.. um ? ehe ? ♡ i'm not maintainin anythin im jst tlkin n there is a chance smeone will listen n i dnt hav to interact unless i feel like it so i am happy.. 

i hav sorta wnted to move entirely to privater stuff like an everskies blog or this blog or spacehey yknow .. bt i hav big fomo n it leads to my fear of bein forgotten which i shldn't hav !! :c n also feels like tlkin to wall again.. but i like th girls who r kind to me online n i dnt think i'd like to go i jst wish ppl were kinder rly ♡ this rant cld b avoided if i jst killed my identity.. all m rants cld n i wld end up a thoughtless punchin bag the way i am intended to b ♡ depressin.. i am sry i am always so depressin.. i truly dnt mean to b n i feel like a sick sick girl sneezin on everyone n ruinin their moods too.. i feel a stronger urge to tlk n write n create whn i feel sad or like i wnt to die which.. th former is always.. bt i am glad abt th good things i get ♡ i am thankful there r still sme ppl who r kind to me, i'm thankful i get attached to abusers instead of bein fully scared so i cn still feel comfort, im thankful i am not homeless n i hav th ability to create, im thankful tht my mom is nice to me most of th time evn tho i struggle w trust w her.. i feel guilty, to b so depressive always.. i've mentioned this bfore in an anon response bt i dunno why whn things r mostly-okay-kinda-not-rly (still bad.. bt it's been worse, way worse.. or mayb not? ugh.. i dnt wnna think abt it... sorrie) right now, why i still always feel so terrible? i feel unlucky despite bein vry lucky bcos i am unlucky enough to hav a dumb stubbon brain tht wont let go of my traumas.. mayb.. or mayb it is jst as bad n i am delusional.. i dnt knw.. i dnt wnna think abt it.. i ws meant to sleep two hours ago :c