(ummie no timestamps.. i was terribly unaware of time whn i wrote this.. i also wrote this first part at tha top after i wrote tha part below it,, which is oddlie fittin.. everythin connects ! mmh.. i thought it ws a smidgen of mre context for the guilt, the need for somethin beyond me to save me quick n ruin me for the rest of the time :c my thoughts r hard to write down.. im not good at poetry cos im so slow in the head, im not good at talking because im dumb n nervous n i always choke since everyone wants to train me n thats not a bad thing i am terrible at heart.. my thoughts r rly ist abstract feelins w no words but they make sense to me. i am so awful :c i dnt even think things of substance)

i thought the same thing last week n my stomach hurts so terribly bad. its like everything at once, all at once.. everything at the same time n i cant quite tell which it is because ive been imprinted on (sittin in my bathtub with my eyes to the tile part of the wall to write this) n im seventeen in every aspect except mental.. not mental at all.. i can be eloquent sometimes but i cant be smart. being eloquent is easy. just say the words other people tell you the way they tell you them or say something you read in a book n you'll sound polite. its just a pattern. i'm good with patterns, too good at patterns, terribly good at patterns.... :c but for the fact im nowhere past fourteen, generously, mentally, there are too many possibilities n i feel stuck in multiple places of time. everything at once in more ways than one. maybe i only sound good right now since i was readin the books in my room n theyre fresh on the brain <|3

patterns.. mmh.. this passage is also written way aftr both above it.. except tha vry start of tha first parenthesis thing.. timeline b darned ! hehe.. well smetimes lettin it b abstract tells tha story bttr to ppl who r good w symbolism n tht sorta abstract stuff, ithnk.. bt patterns,, ive always been good w thm n i think abt tht often.. i mistake it for smarts smetimes bt truth is im rly not creative outside of creative spaces.. as in im prettie good at stuff like fashion n room decor n sch bt im rly bad at thinkin fast or improv.. usually.. smtimes im rly good w it n smetimes i lose it completely.. bt one thing i've always been good at is recognition... i recognize ppl by their footsteps, speech patterns, body language n common silhouettes.. ive always fixated especially hard on speech patterns.. thts why i usuallie knw who my anons r if ive tlked to tha person bfore,, evn if they drop typin quirks n stuff i cn still recognize tha speech patterns.. tha way mars argo writes her songs is similar to tha way my boyfriend speaks ! yknow.. ithink i cld tell who all of my past friends n my family r by the way they stnd too.. if they were completely blacked out n had no identifiers bt their body language.. i cld probably tell you who's who.. mhh.. today's a dumb day.. i had mre i wnted to say bt i forgot it all....