sick girl's hospital

 ♡ well.. :c i jst cnt stop thinkin abt it.. in a way i've gotten bttr, bt it's not for any good reason..

life feels rly easy whn m told whn i'm gnna die, expectin death soon.. nd ummh, gosh? it's all i rly tlk abt on here any more isn't it..? death death death.. so freakin morbid .. <|3 ..m not evn tht suicidal.. it's jst th comfort of tht certainty.. i've spent my whole life chasin nothin more than protection nd certainty in.. rly bad extremes.. nd now i hav it, so everythin feels rly easy ♡

 i am abit drunk so im sry if this doesnt make mch sense.. tho again i am not rly sure whos interested in my diary othr thn me.. who am i apologizin too? i dunno.. it's just a habit.. i feel so guilty :c mayb i like to write online cos sme part of me is so lonely evn tho i rly hat bein close w ppl i dunno i dnt rly wnna think but i always think uuug...

i forgot wht i ws thinkin abt in th kitchen.. bt i did wnna write it down.. i jst um.. i wish i didnt hav th capacity to hate n i wish i wsnt affected by things.. i see mslf as sch a receptacle for negativity n i wnt everyone to hurt me so why do i see whn im bein manipulated smch.. my patter nrecognition has always been good n i hate it, i wnt to b manipulated, cluelessly.. m too scared to let it happen whn im aware evn tho i rly wnt to my survival instincts kick in too bad n i jst run uuu uu uu uu uu uu  uu u uuuu i hate life 

 dear diary i am stupid.. :c i am so afraid of change i feel sad at m past self.. i've thrown up too mch recently n i only hav smch pills left.. 

dear diary pls come to life n giv me a rly bad head injury so i go to th hospital where th nurses take care of me n it smells good like antiseptic n im too hurt to think.. 

dear diary i am rly freakin stupid n useless n every time i hav any kind of thought at all i feel like beverly marsh whn she got onto herself abt hopin her dad died except i cld nvr be her she is so cool n does lots of cool stuff like speak up for gerself smetimes and i am th worlds biggest loser

 oh gosh ummh diary.. hi.. ♡ i jst dunno wht to do.. i hav this awful feelin of.. despondence? desolation? ummm dunno.. it's melancholic n crushin but i'm too hopeless to pay tht weight any mind, if tht makes sense at all..

i hav a sort of disdain for th internet.. i do try, yanno.. to tell mslf i dnt care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve to care abt recognition bcos i dnt deserve recognition.. i am not special.. i dnt knw why i wish to b treated like i am.. i feel like a filthy greedy ingrate girl .. bt smetimes i do care.. which makes less sense ? i nvr had th intention of popularity rly w postin anythin.. it's almost a sense of possession..? to mny things.. this is hrd for me to explain since my thoughts branch alot.. um

i wnt to b recognized bcos if i am knwn, thn all i am cn b traced bck to me by others.. n in a way tht makes me somethin at all.. which is th problem, i care abt bein smethin at all. i try vry hrd to absolve mslf of an ego whtsoever.. not an ego as in egotism bt ego in th sense of an identity n opinions n all.. ignorance is my only true bliss probably.. hhhhwwh..

 i dunno diary :c mayb this is abit personal for th digital version of you bt ive filled up all m physical ones.. im typin this on my phone cos m simply jst.. too exhausted n tired to get on m computer right now evn.. Sry if this doesnt make sense ithnk id actually prefer if it didnt n if no one saw so mnot rly gnna clean it up either.. evn m laptop which is right at m feet i dnt wnna move.. all th light on m face might jst make me cry.. ive been cryin all night n i still feel it comin up.. i feel disgustin to m core :c

 ok ummh hmmh this is gnna b my big masterpost for my selfsona lore tht no one rly cares abt at all bt i care abt okay..? hehe ♡ ummhum.. i like symbolism alot ♡ everythin abt her lore n appearance is deeply deeply symbolic to me or m life.. obviously not a 1:1.. im not an angel livin in purgatory (or am i?) n not everythin tht happened to her happened to me exactly.. pls think of it like poetry or metaphors ♡ here's her reference photo.. ->

i like to make her mouth nonexistent n her eyes her only means of expression (..since her brows r always frozen in fear..) since ummh i am usually vry afraid to speak my mind.. cos i am always clouded by fear, n both irl n online i feel ppl tend to see my aversion or weakness or fear bfore they see anythin else.. which i knda like cos ppl treat me gentler n i am vry sensitive........ i write her as 15-19 physically cos tht ws th worst part of her life n, like me, she dwells on awful past n wld rather b arnd awful familiar things thn unfamiliar good things.. :c also ummh i strted writin actual lore for her whn i ws fourteen-fifteen ♡ i'd predicted my own life prettie well in a way.. or mayb i manifested it.. or mayb history jst repeats itself.. i dunno <|3 i wrote a big big storie abt her past for tha mst prt tht i also put on here so i wnt paste tht giant chunk again.. bt i do wnna write abit abt her present day .. ♡